How to best handle the ex parent in our lives.

In order to deal with the dog days of divorce, we have to be able to be a little flexible in our thinking process. Maybe think completely out of the box. Obviously there are marriages ending for very serious reasons such as abuse, neglect, or maybe in your case it was adultery. If you left in order to be safe, I hope you are getting the help you need from professionals. If the marriage ended due to adultery, I can relate and help.

I am going to put some of my experience in this piece as I think it may help you know that I have been there, and I will tell you now, I am close friends with my ex's.

My first divorce happened when my daughter was 1 yr old. I left him because he wanted to be at the bars more than he wanted to be home being a dad. His reasons were his, and I left. So here we are with a somewhat easy, final, decision. I was working full time then and knew that with the help of others, I could pull this off with out a doubt. Moral to this? I was the one who wanted out, and therefore I was strong and fine. He was the one hurt, betrayed maybe, and in the dumps. I was alone for 4 yrs before meeting my next "ex" to be. In those four years I remained friends with my first ex as we were able to sit down together and figure things out. I was "flexible" in my thoughts, and compassionate about having the best outcome possible for my daughter. We worked it out. So my advise is this; if there wasn't a life shattering incident that left you feeling like you have been hit by a mac truck, let go and let live.I would also advise that you absolutely NEVER trash talk your ex to your children. It only makes you look cheap and will cause bigger issues later for all involved.

So to follow up with the last statement, My daughter is now 14 yrs old. She sees her dad once a week for an average of four hours. The visitations are between my daughter and her dad now, as she is old enough to make her own decisions and there has not been any reason to have it any other way. This does not mean that I let it go. I encourage without demanding. She has seen his ways and doesn't agree with them, but knows its her dad and she will never get another. When she was little there was a battle to get her to go. She would scream and cry when he arrived to pick her up. So here we are with a challenge. My conclusion to her tempers was that she lived with me. We got up early in the mornings together and went to sleep at night in the same house. He was at the time not someone she felt close to, or as comfortable with. So when he came, I would give her hugs and kisses and I would be the one leaving. They would leave after me. This allowed her dad to visit in her space for a bit where she was comfortable. All was fine, and she would always come home smiling. We worked it out.

The next example, experience, was a lot more difficult. My second ex cheated on me with a female that worked in the same building as I did at the time. I knew for quite a while that our relationship was off, but {first clue) I didn't react until I had proof. I was quite vulnerable at the time as I had been a stay at home mom for four years and had just picked up a small part time job to get back into the workforce. It wasn't until I found a condom on the floor of the family car that I then said its time to respond. My response was emotional, but quite firm. I gave him the opportunity to admit his actions to me, by asking if he was cheating. I was somewhat lucky in that he was honest and said yes. I asked why, he didn't have a reason. I asked what his plans were, and when he said he didn't have any, I said quite rudely, Yes you do. Get your stuff and get out.

Obviously, it will not go this way every time. And everyone is different. But I think you now understand that reacting at the first sight of something wrong is not always the best idea. Communication prior to him taking part in this activity would have been wonderful. But I knew no matter what I wanted him to say before proof was in my pocket, I would have never heard it. And therefore would have little ground to stand on. Cheating is NEVER ok in the course of a marriage. Some people are able to forgive and stay together. I would never be able to trust him again and without trust what kind of a marriage do you really have?

This is a tough one depending on the situation. But what will make it so much easier for you is if you remember that you are not doing it FOR the one who hurt you. You are doing this to enable yourself to move on and live the best life you can with what you have. This took months for me, but even here... it is different for everyone. There are two choices here: you can forgive and move on, or you can give that person the satisfaction of carrying this around on your shoulders for however long it takes. Its a heavy load, and maybe the one who hurt you should take the bag.

The other thing I remember doing quite easily, that was therapeutic for me, was what I called; "cleaning out the clutter". And literally this is what I had done. I continued to live in the house we rented together while married. I am still best friends with his mom, families are close. So when I began cleaning out the clutter, I really meant that I was making my house "mine". I painted the walls, got rid of furniture that came from his family, And rearranged things the way I really wanted them. This was something that empowered me, and assisted me in being able to forgive. I don't have extra money, so it was a slow process to even paint, but it worked and I LOVE my house.

With little money and 15 miles travel to get to anything, it is always difficult to do the out to dinners or even needed shopping at times. At first child support wasn't coming at all and I had to lean on other ways of getting by. But I did things fairly no matter what my personal situation was at the time. The state was brought in to assist in me receiving Child support, and I got a job and went to college. ( At 41 mind you.) Moral here, is if you are suffering financially, it is now your responsibility to make it work for you. Always looking to the exited partner for more child support will not save you. It also makes friction between two people that are one "adults" and two, living somewhat of separate lives. The exited partner is there for the child/ren between you. Not to financially support two households. I get so irritated when I hear about ex's taking people to court for more support when the exited partner is already dishing out almost half their paycheck. Lets not forget we need them for our alone time, and for the children more than we should need their money. Its a tough road but it can be done. I am on my eighth year of being a single mom, and my ex's will tell you they have the best ex they could ask for.

In conclusion, live your life, enjoy your kids, and let the others do the same. Everyone wants to be happy, and needs a roof over their heads.

So now we have gone through the roller coaster of emotions, and we are feeling pretty good about things in general. In order to have the "best outcome possible" there are a few things we need to keep in mind. These are listed as they are fairly self explanatory.

1) Always keep communication lines open. Do not sweat the small stuff.

2) Let the little things that are good coming from the exited partner mean something. Do not get greedy or unappreciative in your ways of being.

3) Do not call them with every emergency or mishap.... if they are needed then fine. But you can do this and life goes on.

4) Always be welcoming when they come to your door. Its over... let it be...

5) Last but not least, LIVE LOVE AND LAUGH!